Scream at the Summit

As I knock on the other section’s room, I see some eyes that are amazed to see me and some that are degrading me. One asked me, “wow, ang galing mo siguro, sisiw lang sa’yo ang school no?”

Many students perceive the cream of the crop as a boastful bunch of students with higher-than-normal connection with the teachers. They see us as plastics, who always tries to smile in front of the teachers even though we are not happy with them, for the sake of high grades. They see us as fools, for being an all-out servant to their teachers. They see us as pitiful people, for they think we are dedicating our supposedly enjoyable high school lives into books and lectures. They see us as lie-low persons, that we don’t have time for lecture.

I encountered one male student who asked me, “Siguro, pag-uwi mo sa bahay puro ka libro no?”

Here’s the summary. Life as an honor student is a hell hidden in heaven!

School is a battlefield for us, and our weapons are our minds. We are fighting an endless battle of numbers, for victors are decided by it. The numbers you get serves as additional weapons for the war, for the more your weapons are, the higher your chances of being the conquistador.

We need to review for quizzes, perfect our exams, spend hundreds for projects and do anything to have this weapons of numbers. If all it takes is being grade-conscious, then do it! You may have to ruin relationships in the course of getting to the top, but it is a necessary process of bringing yourself there.

Fail one subject, and oh my, it is the end of your game. You don’t have lives here, like video games has. We only have one life – one shot of becoming the top.

It is a popularity war! If you are at the top, you are popular. Everyone knows you, for you represent your year level when it comes to excellence. You can also get to join activities. You get to be an emcee, seen by all high school students listening to you. You get to compete in other schools, and be called in front during the flag ceremony for some recognition. You get to participate in contests, and when you win, you will be awarded in front of everyone. If you don’t have the looks, then honors will certainly bring you that “cool” factor and great popularity.

Getting popular has its down sides. As a prominent figure, you have to act well, for everyone’s eyes know you. You also have many critics, many who say words of humiliation or insecurity. And since everyone knows you, everyone feels close to you, you get to chat to people you are not comfortable with, and who don’t know who you are, which makes you prone to anger easily.

As someone popular on the campus, I see many who ridicule me, feeling that they are cool enough to talk with what they see as “cool”. They want to surpass the unsurpassable, and degrade the undegradable. I don’t like to socialize with people that don’t share the same interests with me, making me feel awkward every time I step in into someone’s rooms.

Great expectations. That is another problem of an honor student. Your parents expect you to continue your high grades. they expect rising marks, and not numbers in landslides. Since you managed to get to the top before, they expect you to be on the top again. Sometimes, I feel like I regret being the Top 1. I could have just fail their expectations earlier when I was young so that today, I can live my life freely.

Your friends expect it too. After recognition, I received five comments on Friendster saying this, “valedictorian next year!” Then. what if you don’t make it next year? Everyone will be disappointed. Your friends will say that it is OK, though in reality it is not.

My relatives expect a lot from me, for my mother is a boastful parrot who chatted my whole academic achievements to everyone in our clan. I have never been a second placer in Academics, and if I became a second placer, it will be total shame for me. They are expecting that I’ll walk a straight path on the top of the graphs, and that there is no climbing down the stairs.

Of course, as someone with a free mind, I think of happy thoughts outside the confines of being an honor student. Sometimes, I regret the decision of being an honor student. I wish I hadn’t started out school as a bright student, so that I don’t feel all these stresses.

There is this feeling that I blame myself on why I grew up like this, so studious. If I messed up kindergarten, then I won’t be pressured to continue what I have started, for once you built greatness, along comes greater expectations.

I feel like I abuse myself too much. Due to studies, I feel like I do not have time for myself. I frequently burn the midnight oil in the name of projects for the sake of holding my position. I review exams that I do not like, and I memorize terms out of my will. I need to do sacrifices, which are not necessary if you don’t vie for the top spot. I feel forced to do all of this. I had to. I have to fill up their expectations.

If I was not an honor student, what could life be like with me? Life would be way happier, but I’m not sure if it will be better. There will be fewer restrictions in my part, and I hold my life’s clock then! I have all the time in the world; I have the freedom to do anything, with nothing to worry about in life.

But here I am, full of worries on my unstable grades, and full of nervousness every time our teacher is going to announce the rankings.

Like a mountain climber, I have reached the summit. But deep inside, I want to do something else. But since I started out mountain climbing, and become great on it., I have to conquer all the peaks in the world. And every time I reach the summit, I scream, “WHY?”